Do You Deserve Me?

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
― Marilyn Monroe

I’ve always liked this quote by Marilyn Monroe. I don’t know if I relate to it so much, but I guess I do when in the throws of bipolar disorder. I don’t think I need to be handled exactly, but sometimes stomached is the word. Oh no, Libby you might say, who have known me on social media! You are such a sweet thing. Well, I can be. But I can be a real pip too. And the thing I wonder when I look at my husband sleeping peacefully on his Lazyboy, does he really need all this sometimes? Does he deserve me at my worst? No. At my best? Sure!

Mike, Abby and I 🙂

Who wouldn’t want me at my best and even at my not so great? But at my worst, you need patience and a loyal and giving heart. Just like the man I will have been married to 34 years this July. He is what they used to call a real trooper. When I didn’t sleep for two weeks after the birth of our daughter Abby and finally told him so ~ he asked me why. I said because I can’t stop thinking. And he asked me what I was thinking. So I proceeded to tell him the rapidly increasing phobic and manic thought processes that were keeping me up day after day after day. He got paper and a pen and wrote down my thoughts for about 45 minutes. Rantings I thought they were. He calmly wrote down what I was going through. And when I stopped for a minute he said, “I think we should call Dr. Burns.” Linda Burns was my family practice doctor and the one who had delivered Abby. I agreed and we proceeded from there. I had been terrified to talk about it for fear of hospitalization and separation from my newborn baby girl and joy of my life, Abby.

Dr. Burns gathered round the wagons and said that I would see a Psychiatrist, Dr. Feldman, who would help me, and that if I had to be admitted Abby would go with me. This was to ally my fears. The last time this happened, my son David had died while under the care of my ex-husband (not his fault) when I was in the hospital for severe mania. My mother’s heart could not bear the thought of another separation and she knew it. She said this with conviction to keep me well.

Dr. Feldman kept me out of the hospital then and for the 20+ years he treated me until he retired from treating adults, and focused solely on administration and child psychiatry. He was a wonderful doctor and a wonderful man to whom I owe a great debt. So is Dr. Burns who left her practice to serve in a third world country with her husband.

Thanks to doctors like them and a husband like mine and the tenacity of my Norwegian, German, English ancestry in that order 🙂 I have been diligent in caring for myself and seeking and keeping good care for the 36 years I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

That is why just a day or so after writing about being in a depression, I am on my way out. I saw Dr. Meyer, my current Psychiatrist. We discussed our options, increased my antidepressant dose and I am already climbing out of that hole. Granted it’s not always that easy, but we caught things early.

I have a low tolerance for bipolar gunk. I don’t like the crap. Never have and never will. And maybe for that reason alone I won’t suffer with it much. Do you deserve me at my best? I believe you all do! I will do all I can to make sure every day to be that way. With God’s help and the people I count on, including you. Love ya! Lib

Not a Good Idea: Falling on Your Head

“Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” ― C.S. Lewis 

I didn’t have depression yet in this photograph.

I was tired. We had traveled up north to see our Uncle Rog for his 98th birthday. I had a mild headache which was a common aftermath of my fall the end of February. I had overcome the terrible dizziness for the most part. It plagued me a bit on the car ride but I was happy once my feet hit unmovable earth once more. It was great to see Uncle Rog, the family and my dear daughter Abby for a weekend. It was later, the next week, that the depression started. It was really bad today.

I could hardly work.

I have a calling job through my business. I set appointments for a nice sales rep out of my home. I don’t want to disappoint him. But I could hardly dial today. I hope tomorrow is better, or rather today. I have stayed up until tomorrow!

I was researching brain injuries online. I sustained one the end of February by falling and hitting my head on the ice. They don’t seem to be too compatible with two of the things that can plague me: migraines and bipolar disorder.

Well the migraines I’ve gotten used to.

Pain I can bear to an extent.

Depression I don’t care for one bit. I will resist it fiercely and am going to. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and we will come up with an answer. I will not live in a depression for long. I will find a way out. For depression is a nasty, gripping, vise that sucks the life and luster out of life and leaves it colorless, hopeless and unbearable.

I will fight this depression with my will, my doctor’s wisdom and medicine, my faith, the Lord’s love and everything in the arsenal of anti, go-away bipolar disorder I won’t let you win, living above the madness, energy I can muster.

I cannot let the defeatist, “You are worthless” depressive thinking occupy my mind another day and will fight with all that I have in me and at my disposal to get it to stop!

And I ask for your thoughts and prayers as this battle wages. For there are only two ways out of depression and I choose Life!

Thanks, love you, Libby xxxxoo!

Living In Remission

“Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me… Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.”quote by

Shel Silverstein,        Photography by Mary J. Triviski

The bipolar disorder I have lived with since I was 23 is in remission. Look at how clear my eyes are, how relaxed my smile. Perfect peace! As early as last summer, July, when I was in the hospital for Asthma, they wrote in my chart and discharge notes: bipolar: In Remission. I had never heard of anything like it before.

No one had very told me this could happen, but it does. See this article: from eHow Health: How Long Is the Remission Period in Bipolar? What they are talking about is what I am experiencing, an effective management of symptoms through medication and counseling “that options to manage the symptoms, thereby rendering the disease asymptomatic, according to the Psychiatric Times.”

Read more: How Long Is the Remission Period in Bipolar? | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/about_5517001_long-remission-period-bipolar.html#ixzz2HlEFWTsK

This is so awesome! The proof is found in what I have been experiencing since last summer. None of the usual triggers, prolonged illness, i.e. asthma, treatments that usually bring on mania (prednisone for asthma, lack of sleep due to the medications, which I have had to take off and on since July for asthma and to stop prolonged migraines, have caused mania in me, and an ensuing depression. That which has always been my pattern, is no more!

I am still continuing all of my medicines. I am not taking my anxiety medicine, except right before bed, an aftermath of my other medication for bedtime sleeping which I have since gotten off of.

I know that many people who begin to feel better, will stop or taper back on their medications. This is not recommended. For you will be much better off staying right where you are, and letting your doctor instruct you, if there needs to be any changes.

Take care all! Know you are loved and cared for by me and by our Creator in whatever stage of mental disorder you are presently in. Or perhaps you suffer with something else. We all have challenges in life. Health, financial, relationships ~ they find us and give us struggles and concerns. Keep on, keeping on! Libby

You Don’t HAVE To Get Old

Me

You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old.
George Burns

I have been getting steadily older all my life. 🙂 But I have tried very hard not to grow old: mentally, physically, emotionally, especially in the way I think about things. I have done my best to embrace new concepts and new technologies. This is not to say I accept all new concepts, sometimes I decide the older ones are better, but I explore them and weigh them on their merits.

This type of thing keeps you young, I believe. As young as my brother who runs Triathalons in his 50’s. I will be 60 next June, so I should know.  I was discussing what I want to do for my birthday with my husband tonight. I really want to go out of town for a social media gathering — or throw myself a big party here in our party room. Finally, my husband was on board for my trip out of town! 🙂 He’s not big on throwing the types of BIG parties I like to. And we’re moving soon before my birthday! Same complex, bigger apartment, we hope.

So June 19-21 I’m going to the Jersey shore to spend my birthday with some friends I have made online: women, intelligent and caring. A few I have met in person. We will be lifetime friends before the long weekend at the beach talking social media is over!

About nine years ago I was told that bi-polar disorder worsens with age. I was adamant that would not happen to me. I refused to believe it. Now the doctors tell me that my case of bi-polar is in remission. Actually, what they are saying is that I am not exhibiting any symptoms. That is true. I take  my medication. I don’t use this as an excuse to go willy nilly off the meds stabilizing my mood! I am ecstatic that I am symptom free. I don’t take it for granted. I know I have to take care of myself. If I don’t get enough sleep, I grab a nap.

I know I am very fortunate. I also believe a positive attitude and good habits have taken me far. Close work with my team too. The big thing happening as a result of it all is that at 59 years old I am taking a full-time job in social media! I can hardly wait to start. I am very fortunate. The CEO of the new company knows of the disorder I have and is very supportive. I have worked with him in the past. The company is going to make a difference in the world and I am going to love the role I will play. I have had my own company and worked my own hours since 1999, so this is a big step.

What makes some people succeed and grow as they get older and others just get old? That is a very complex question. Keep living, loving and interacting. Keep learning, engaging and having fun and my own personal feeling that helps me — dye your hair :)!

Thanks for listening. Enjoy all the stages of your life. There is so much to be learned and enjoyed. Have fun!

@copyright Libby Baker Sweiger

 

Think Before You Speak ~ Even To Yourself

“Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.”
Napoleon Hill

This quote is true, as are most Napoleon Hill quotes ~ in my opinion! The words you say, your influence plant the seeds of success or failure in the minds of others. What about yourself? How do you speak to your self? Are you kind and encouraging in the face of the adversity we all face in life? Or are you harsh and critical and condemning? Do  you call yourself stupid, or do you give yourself a break? Do you criticize or praise? You could be determining your own success or failure in actions by what you tell yourself in thoughts. You are in fact!

It’s very easy when you’re ill, or down to let your mind fall into a pattern of negative self talk, and negative talk in general. You don’t feel well. It’s hard to think of great and encouraging things to say. I have been ill since the beginning of July. I have been positive and I have been discouraged. I have kept from mania and depression by some miracle even though hospitalized twice.

I’m so happy I got through it stable and strong. But I have had my down moments and my discouraged days. Now I feel I’m turning the corner and getting well. For the first time in a long time I’m up late happily write to you all.

Positive self talk is something I aspire to. I haven’t mastered it. It’s my goal every day. I know how important it is to my well being and performance. My happiness and outlook. I focus on kindness to others first. That reminds me to be kind to myself. It works for me.

Have a good week my friends and remember to think before you speak, even to yourself. You are precious too!

@copyright Libby Baker Sweiger

This post also appears in the August 27th, The Howie Blog, Regional Blog, http://www.howiehanson.com/  AND

is given a shout out in the front page of August 27th StarTribune.Com:

http://www.startribune.com/local/yourvoices/167346045.html

Good Reads

Libby Baker Sweiger: Think before you speak, even to yourself

Second Chances / Amended 8/31/12

How does one know if she has forgiven? You tend to feel sorrow over the circumstance instead of rage, you tend to feel sorry for the person rather than angry with him. You tend to have nothing left to say about it all.
Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Today is Friday, August 31st and I am amending this post.  I have forgiven the dear nephew who was the source of so much frustration first time out. I wish I could say we have reconciled or that all is well with him, but both of these events remain in limbo.

I do wish I had never written this, but the post is out and cannot be reeled back in, so I am putting my current and hopefully my usual feelings in front of it: People are more important than things. People I love are more important than my hurt feelings. When I get hurt helping someone, that is part of the experience. I was there to help, not be treated like the Grand PooBah! People in crisis and who are confused by mental illness or drugs to hurtful things, they are not doing them, or meaning to….very often it is the illness or drug talking. That is something I am trying to educate people about and I got caught with my own ignorance showing because I was hurt.

I have hurt others when in the throws of mania or depression. We are all imperfect people. Even if you don’t have an illness like mine…we all hurt each other every day…we need to be reminded to cut each other some slack and do not judge.

Most importantly, do not judge. We are all people, not the Almighty. Frail, imperfect, full of mistakes and missteps. Forgiveness is the most important gift we can give each other. Forgiveness and love.

Bless you all. Thank you for hearing me out this morning and please let what follows be a take back!

“ONE MORE CHANCE. Words that my mother heard, more than once. Words that women debate. Whether you CAN forgive and whether you SHOULD trust. I think of all the judgment from society, friends, and family, the overwhelming consensus seeming to be that you should not grant someone who betrayed (your trust) a second chance. That you should do everything you can to keep the knife out of your back, and to protect your heart and pride. Cowards give second chances. Fools give second chances. And I am no coward, no fool.” ― Emily Giffin

I am up in the middle of the night again for several reasons. One, I had asthma last week and had to be hospitalized. The good news was they put on my discharge papers: bipolar disorder – in remission. Wow! I didn’t know they used that word with a mental disorder. I was asymptomatic in the hospital though in that department. But I am taking a steroid drug, Prednisone to help me breathe, and now I have insomnia. I hope I don’t tip hypo manic. So far so good.

I am a bit sad. Heartbroken really. And I am debating second chances. What do you think? Are you a believer in the old adage… Burned once shame on them? Burned twice…shame on you? Emily Giffin (quote above) would call me a coward and a fool for trusting a younger family member — recently out of treatment for pot smoking — with my car twice.

I was trying to help him find a job. His dad had said he would buy him a car if he got one. That was the story I understood anyway. Otherwise another family member was considering taking care of the issue. I’m good at finding jobs and helped him find a good job. He got the interview. He got the job, but he needed a car for demos and appointments. Because I was newly out of the hospital during his training week, I got tired and let him drive me home from the second day of training, after I picked him up. Then I let him borrow my car to take to the next day of training. I don’t remember putting conditions on the loan. I was really tired.

When I got my car back the passenger side door handle inside was snapped off. I drive a KIA, it was a sturdy part but hard plastic nonetheless.  I asked my new  family friend what had happened and he said the door was locked and his friend could not get it open and broke it.

He borrowed his Grandpa’s car for the last day of training and called me to ask if he could use my car for the weekend to do demos to fulfill his training quota before starting the next week. I said, sorry, I can’t do that. This is the only good car we have and I have to take care of it.

Needless to say he called me back. I was rather impressed. I thought he was using natural-born sales skills on me. He said, “Libby, may I use your car if my friend pays you for the damage to the door?” I told him that would help me, but that more importantly, I didn’t want him driving my car for personal use, or allowing any friends in the car. He understood and agreed. He would only use it for demos. And no one but him would be in the car.

Well I guess you can imagine how it turned out. I did loan it to him for demos. He had one on Friday night. He didn’t return home until midnight and went straight to bed. His Dad found pot in the glove compartment in the morning and empty beer bottles in the back. My car still has residual smoke in it. He didn’t detail it for me before returning it. He didn’t apologize. My asthma cough is back from driving the stinky thing and my heart is broken. He wasn’t allowed to accept the job Monday because he can’t drive.

I wish I could tell this young man these things because I love him. And I know he has great potential. And because he has captured my heart. I can only pray that he comes to the realization sometime soon that the friends he thinks he has are not real friends and that the people who really love him are crazily disguised as his family.

@Copyright Libby Baker Sweiger

Born to Smile

I was almost asleep and I had to get up to write for a bit. Most of the time when I write, I smile. That hasn’t been the case with this blog. What I’ve been writing about has been difficult to disclose, painful to express. Tonight I am smiling. I am happy. I realize that the long months of depression and ickiness have broken and I have come into the sunshine.

I don’t know why I got hit so hard by the depths of bipolar mood swing this late spring and early summer. Summer is usually my best time. The sunshine outside fills my soul and I coast through the long summer days. It’s true for many of us isn’t it? And those who suffer from bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, even more so.

So why did I suffer so? Why, in fact does someone who loves this world so much, and every happy thing in it even find themselves afflicted with bipolar? The answer quite frankly is: why not? Why not me? Am I so special that I should escape a mental disorder? Many people across the globe suffer, battle daily with these things, why not me?

I have no answer either way, except to say that I love my life, warts and all. I love every breath I take. When I’m miserable and stop being so, it makes me all the more thankful for the good days. So I say, why not me? So many people expect God, or whomever they feel is in charge of their fate, should give them a break. Cut them some slack. Ease up on the suffering quotient.

I’m sorry if I seem flip about this…but look at it this way — There is a bit of wisdom in Matthew 5:45 that says God causes the rain to fall on the just and the unjust. No matter how wonderful you are or think you are, the rain is going to fall on you baby, so let it come. It will stop someday and the sun will come out again. You will smile.

You were born to smile. Not cry. Smile. I am convinced that suffering is for a season. Sometimes that season seems and is too darn long. But it will end and then it is time to smile. Enjoy the blessing, the life you were born to live and go on from there.

Smile, baby!

@Copyright by Libby Baker Sweiger

Smile, baby!