Don’t Fight the Calm!

“Don’t walk in front of me… I may not follow
Don’t walk behind me… I may not lead
Walk beside me… just be my friend”
Albert Camus

At sixty-three I lead a happy, but somewhat limited life. My bipolar is in remission according to my psychiatrist. My symptoms are not particularly active, but I do not stress myself much. I have an underlying anxiety problem and active insomnia. I stay at home a lot. I very rarely drive. My companion dog, Riley helps with my anxiety and is my constant companion. I paint. I read on my phone. I participate in social media, do household chores ~ dish washing and laundry. I talk on the phone to my sister, my husband, my two best friends, my daughter and my Dad. I watch upbeat television shows and some news.

I do bible study on my phone. I make dinner. When my husband, Mike gets home things get lively for Riley and I. We watch football and hockey along with my upbeat shows and news! Mike and I talk a lot! We eat on TV trays. Take the dog for a walk, weather permitting. Riley entertains us more. She’s livelier with the bigger audience! We discuss the finances, which I pay. Lots of excitement at the Sweiger household!

I do not push myself. I don’t work outside the home. I have one social media client on retainer and my art. I have a steady routine. I wish I could do more, but if I try to anxiety overwhelms me and I am overcome. These are the constraints of my illness. I know that without it I could accomplish a great deal more. I would not be housebound. I would drive Mike to work downtown and take the car. I would work more. We would have more resources. More opportunities. But I cannot let myself think that way. I cannot live with the “If Only” Syndrome. I have to live life where I am. I have to tackle the challenges life handles me. I had high blood pressure, very HIGH. I went to a Cardiologist and changed all my medicines. I joined Weight Watchers and lost 25 pounds. It’s normal now. I don’t drink caffeine. I don’t eat salt.

It is the same with bipolar disorder. I don’t push my limits. I live a low stress life. Not too low. I’m not in a coma. Yes, I rest and I watch easy viewing television. It calms me. The stories are predictable. I don’t need a high drama factor every minute of my existence. I need to quiet myself. So I do. I read. I paint. I talk to friends. I relax with my dog. Do housework. Maintain. My nature would demand a more exciting life. My nature would push the edges and encourage mania. I do not let my nature rule. My drive no longer calls the shots. My discipline, in eating and in play calls the shots. I’m in remission and I want to stay that way. I like calm. I have decided to grow accustomed to it. Stay tuned and I’ll talk about the drug that made this all possible!

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