The Pest of Bipolar Disorder: Disabling Anxiety

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“A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows you your strengths; feels your fears but fortifies your faith; sees your anxieties but frees your spirit; recognizes your disabilities but emphasizes your possibilities.” ― William Arthur Ward

Don’t we all need friends like that some days! Friends like my dear Heather Siebens. She was over the other evening and we were discussing one of my least favorite topics ANXIETY. I have bipolar it’s true. And it is finally coming under control again after the fall I took this winter, suffered a brain bleed and a resulting time of headaches and dizziness that eventually stressed me enough to throw me into hypomania, depression, hypomania and now just as things are settling what I like to call the PEST of bipolar disorder: Anxiety. It’s like the mosquito of the disease. Sometimes just a few to cause an annoyance — sometimes a swarm to disable you and knock you down. Since I have been found occasionally on the floor unable to get up and drive to an appointment, I may have hit a swarm!

What bugs me beyond the uncomfortable nature of the anxiety itself and the extra meds which tire me is that it affects my ability to accomplish meaningful work. That is what I crave the most in life. Meaningingful work. I was loving my job so much. Now I’m having to put myself on hold again. Slow down a bit. Rest and recuperate. Get stronger. Again.

I get so incredibly frustrated. It’s hard on the finances two of course. Always is. That is the ticklesh part. But nothing is more important than your health people will say. And of course they are right. But getting well is hard when you worry about medical bills and other things.

So you must stop in really and focus on getting well. One must get a ride to the doctor and get ones pills tweeked again. Hold out hope for the anxiety to dwindle. I know I probably just over did in my excitement for the new project. It was so much fun!

It is sad to say and harder to remember, especially with my disposition, but someone with bipolar disorder must avoid having too much fun and excitement and I did celebrate my birthday congruently for nearly three weeks!

Moderation is not my strong suit. I really must learn some to avoid these other negative and inconvenient emotions. They are also unpleasant and take their toll on my body and my mind!

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The Angst of Writing

This post is republished from the Amused Now Blog:

posted on June 13, 2013 in eBooks

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The writing process is the most personal thing I go through in my life. I bare my soul much more than I want to. Then I ask myself, who wants to read something if it is not from the heart?

The most personal piece of writing I ever tackled was a screenplay I wrote in college about my first experience with bipolar disorder. The wound was so raw, I had to fictionalize it. I told the true story, but not in the first person. It was too painful to admit that it had happened to me, because there was a great deal of misunderstanding about mental illness at the time.

Because I didn’t admit the screenplay was a true story about my life, it seemed so bizarre to others. People didn’t believe it. They found the story implausible. “That could never happen!” was the criticism I received from my classmates.

I rewrote the story on a blog, and it has been accepted by one publisher. All I have left is some final editing and to make an initial investment in marketing, and I will have completed the book. Yet, I hesitate. What holds me back? I am open online about my disorder. I publish a daily paper on mental health and mental illness. What is keeping me from moving forward? ~ The angst of writing. I am not ready to relive those early experiences.

That is the dilemma of being a writer. I know that I cannot back away from the pain in my story, and you cannot let yourself or your characters off the hook either. Face the emotional pain and triumph. You must face the pain and write it down. Write down your feelings. Be honest and true to your story. Anything else cheats your readers of the depth of your story and your experience as you lived it.

I’ll never forget the advice my screenwriting teacher gave me many years ago, “Do not back away from the drama.” Why? If you do, your story loses all its power. You won’t connect as genuinely with your readers, because you cheated them of the depth of anguish, pain, or fear that the protagonist is going through. In a good story, that character suffers through, finds courage and plunges ahead.

Just as I must do to finish story about a young woman who loses everything: her husband, her career, her mind, her only child and must work hard on her health to come back to life. The story has a triumphant ending and will be available in book form as “A Mother’s Ring.” I appreciate readers sending positive thoughts my way as I attempt to finish the tale.

Don’t be afraid to suffer for your craft. The rewards are great. You do it for the audience and to share your story which may change the day, or even the life of someone who reads it.

Libby Baker Sweiger
@libbytalks
LBS Consult