What Am I Saying?

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“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.”
― Oscar Wilde, The Happy Prince and Other Stories

I can relate to Oscar Wilde in this quote I really can. I wonder if he was manic when he said it. Pause for a moment to Google Oscar Wilde…well he’s identified in articles as a famous person with manic depression. Of course this cannot be verified and none of these people are here to test, or for that matter speak for themselves. But the quote could just as well be tongue in cheek as manic anyway!

It sounds like something I would say, manic or not, if I had a good audience. And, therein likes the rub. Bipolar people are often clever, and outgoing with a bit of the showman in them. They say dramatic, colorful, things whether they are manic or not. People might think they are on a manic high, when they are only high on life.

Things get blurred. They really do.

However, I’m a bit manic, at the moment from lack of sleep. I first became depressed, following a brain injury. Now I cannot sleep. So, I have swung the other way. And, partly because my doctor and I overreacted and kicked up my anti-depressant dose. This is risky if you are prone to mania. I say hypo mania. Because, I’m just a little bit manic. I am not psychotic, not even close. I am able to function. I’m working every day. But, I am quite colorful and full of words.

You should call me on the phone and get an earful. I am quite entertaining at the moment. I am sorry. I do not mean to be glib. I would certainly appreciate the call, however. I turned in my bank cards to my husband tonight. No buying power for me at this juncture. My judgement is impaired. I know this much. You may all see the post of the sneakers I wanted to buy myself on Ebay. I posted them on Facebook, but did not buy them. $70 sneakers? Not right now! Whew, not that far gone! 🙂

I know it’s a bit sad really. This disorder affects one’s mind. It’s treacherous and sneaky and will grab you and do bad things to you. Fortunately, I see it coming and react quickly, more quickly than I used to. I defend myself against its take over of my senses. I take precautions against its potential squandering of my family’s resources. I live above the madness.

Not always. I still get caught. But not today. Today I am living above the craziness. I wonder for a minute what is happening, then I know and then I act. I act to care for myself. Sure maybe I can’t sleep the best, but I can write. I can put my feelings and thoughts down. Describe my action plan. And then I can rest. I can tell my friends I need them. I could use a call. A prayer. A thought my way. An understanding note or tweet. And then I rest.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for being there. If you want to comment on this blog. Please do. I will joyously answer you. If you suffer from this diabolically tricky illness or something like it, talk to me. Email me at libbysweiger@gmail.com. Let’s talk about it. I want to be here for you, like I try to be here for me. Sounds silly? Gotta be your own Mental Health Advocate first baby! Gotta be! Take care all of you. Be well. Be crazy. But, be. Love you all! Libby

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4 thoughts on “What Am I Saying?

  1. Libby, now I know why I like you. My son was diagnosed with pediatric bipolar disorder II when he was in first grade. I have always been his greatest advocate and feel like I am on the roller coaster with him much of the time. I suffer from chronic depression but lack the mania so I have my own stuff to deal with (don’t we all).

    Funny but I just did a blog post on my 6 favorite quotes and also chose the same one from Wilde. It really spoke to me and made me smile inside. In the end, my mantra became, “I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” ― Marilyn Monroe.

    Sometimes I live above the madness while others I am part of it. I guess that is life. Thanks for a great post. M

    • Miriam! We are kindred souls! Your son is very fortunate to have a mom like you! And even though it’s a real bummer that you have depression to deal with yourself, it gives you all the more compassion and understanding as his advocate.

      I love it that we have the same taste in quotes. Do you belong to goodreads.com? That’s where I find the very best ones!

      I totally agree. It’s not the title of my blog, but I think it’s obvious…we are all struggling to live above the madness. I celebrate the moments I live above it. Take care and come back soon. I love your insight and treasure your friendship. Libby

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